welcome to my space

My parents weren't in a good term with each others for as long as i remember.
It didn't bother me, or more specifically, I was proud that it didnt bother me at all.
I was proud that i didn't get hungry(due to undiagnosed autism) so it would cost less to raise me.
I was proud that I didn't require much.
Even before they got divorced I was clinging onto my mother's approval and attention.

According to my mother, she did not receive tender love and care from her mother.
She was brushed off and horribly critisized by her parents.

Therefore she sought out what she couldn't receive in me .
Consistent love and adoration, shared interests and so on.
(Even to this day, I fear that she find out i like music other than jazz.)

And she never takes my anger seriously, going as far as to mock me.
(which i presume what happened between her and her mother.)

I have never had a single moment of heart to heart conversation with her.(or with anyone to that matter)
Only time we had any serious conversations were when I was in trouble.

Then the divorce happened.

I wasn't bothered by it at all, and naturally took my mother's side in divorce.

My father may not be a great father figure for me, but he was a great friend of mine.
At least to me he was a decent man.

But it didn't even cross my mind to be with him. (I don't know why)

After a few month, the first abandonment happened.
I cannot recall what caused the first one(but most likely because my desk was dirty).

My mother stood at the front door of the apartment.
She was holding her bag and suitcase(?), ready to leave.
I was on the floor, clinging onto her leg.
begging and crying not to leave. More scared than ever in her whole life.

I don't know how long it lasted, but after a long time, she caved in.
And ordered me, still exhausted from horus of begging and crying, to clean my desk.

There was no consolation,apology,hug, or literally anything for making her child feel that way.
I wasn't even a child to her, just an object she take what she was deprived of
In her eyes i was wrong and what she did was righteous.

I cleaned my desk in frenzy, fearing another abandonment.

Also it's a good time to mention, I was diagnosed for ADHD around this time.
But i was not informed of what it meant to have ADHD, which experience of mine was from ADHD and so on.
I was not even aware of effective ADHD medication at that time, which the doctors should have informed me of to
begin with.

My mother knew that I had ADHD and still decided to punish me, abandon me for something banal as a fucking dirty desk.